these are some of the posting I found on Craigslist in my area. They are written very openly. very very funny. so I thought I would share what should be a great laugh.

My Butt Hurts


Date: 2006-08-25, 9:18AM CDTWhat the hell happened to my butthole

Let me start here…

Sunday evening I was starting to get my wits back. You see I had been drinking like a sailor on a 2 day the night before. This really has nothing to do with what happened next (or does it??).

I was about to throw a pair of sweats on and sink into a lazyboy to watch a little Entourage when I feel (and hear) my stomach rumble. Oh yeah, I guess last nights drinking has finally decided to catch up with me. The gurgle was enough to trigger a brisk walk to my salvation area. Yes the bathroom. I call it this because I have young children and sometimes I’ll even fake having to take a duker just to get a little 10 minute “its all about me” rest. Pathetic, yes I know…but you get your small slices of joy where you can.

I digress, I storm throught the bathroom door and actually struggle a little to get the boxer-briefs down in time for an explosive havanna omelette (copyright Craigslist). I mean it is loud, eratic, and extremely smelly. I am in mid-shit actually considering if I will have to do a quick toilet brush swipe when this is all over. The thing that is different from the Sunday evenings past is that this particual movement actually has an itchy kind of burning sensation. Nothing to be alarmed about at this point, but just a little tougher on the old ass pipe than usual. I complete the act with little trouble and I gotta tell ya, my belly feels nothing but sweet, sweet relief.

I wad up a little extra paper from the full roll next to me in antipipation of some extra TLC and a potential “finger-poke-through” (you cant be too careful) and begin a deliberate wipe. HOLY GOD! Its like I just wiped my ass with a broken beer bottle! What the hell happened. A “roid” oh God dont let it be a roid…a polyp..I dont even know what that is. Is it some kind of venomous insect that found its way into my underwear and bit me? I decide its best to grab a little lotion from the toiletries stand next to the thrown and apply it liberally to the paper before each wipe. WOW, this feels much nicer. Repeat this step 3 or 4 times until I’m sure there is nothing to blow into my underwear later and I get up. I think about a shower, but I dont wanna miss my show. Nothing else to report at this point.

Monday – Get up and go to work. Cup of Joe and a smoke. Instand laxitive. I go into the work head. HOLY GOD its back! My ass is on fire. Like I just sat on a ground nest of yellow jackets. I wipe a tear from my eye and begin a wipe that would bring an Ultimate Fighter to his knees. Holy Fuck how bout the boss coughing up for some 3 ply instead of this $5 per case freezer paper.

Tuesday – See Monday (I actually look down to see if somebody put a cactus in the bowl)

Wednesday – See Tuesday

Thursday – After my Joe and Smoke I am considering hold it as long as I can. I make it about an extra 1/2 hour and my knees and chest hurt so I surrender – See Wednesday

Today (Friday) – On my way in to the office, I am worried and actually thinking about what I can potentially rub on my ass before my Joe and Smoke to ensure an easier delivery. Butter! I think there’s butter in the work fridge. What better natual lubricant? This will definitely dull the shards of glass that will soon be piercing my lower regions. When I get here I go right for the cooler, throw open the door and grab the old Oleo. What the hell am I doing. Its come to this? Am I an animal or some sicko..could you imagine somebody walking in during application? Or worse my guilt after putting this back in the Kenmore when I’m finished. Thats just wrong. I decide against it. Before my Joe and Smoke, I actually feel a rumble. Lets get it on. Now I’m just pissed. I head into the latreen (sp?) and let ‘er fly. I havent been this scared since Poltegiest in the theater when I was 9. That was a PG movie?? I’m off-track..sorry. Nothing…no pain…no tear…no horror. Just the regualr ol shot gun full of pudding against the back of the bowl. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I hope its really over. What the hell was that anyway?

  • no — it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

HERE IS ANOTHER..

The HORROR


Date: 2006-07-14, 9:12AM CDTI am a thirty-something who recently went back to college to finish my degree. Imagine my dismay when I walked in to that first classroom, and realized all the desks are made for jr. high students. You know the type; a chair with a platform for your books to rest on. Well, I am not a junior high student. I am the guy fat people hang around with when they want to look thin. I don’t just “take a seat”, I have to wedge myself in, and tuck my belly under the platform for the books. Generally, I can only get about one cheek on the chair.

One morning in class, after a night of cheap beer and tacos, I had a rumbling in my bowels that told me I had one massive fart brewing. I was trying to decide if I should try and hold it, or do a “one cheek sneak” and let it out, when my uptight, prim and proper professor called on me to answer a question. This is the worst timing in the world for this. I am trying to concentrate on the question at hand, while the rumbling in my gut turns into a legion of butt demons doing a whirling dervish in my colon, screaming for release. Then it happened: a chorus of ass-trumpet loud enough to bring down the walls of Jericho. I farted so hard it hurt. There was a burning/itching sensation that made me think I blew out my sphincter for good. The noise was amplified by the hard wooden seat on the desk. After the echoes died down, I looked up at my professor. She had a look on her face I will never forget. It was a look of complete shock, disgust, and revulsion.

And then the horror. The HORROR. I started….Laughing! Not just a chuckle or giggle, we’re talking, wild-hysterical-“stop or I’ll pee myself” laughter. And the more I laughed, the more I farted. By this point, there was a cloud of butt bouquet so thick you could taste it. Eyes tearing….nose burning….belly hurts from laughing…I had to get out of there. I needed an obscure corner of the world to curl up and die of embarrassment in. To make my humiliation complete, as I stood up and tried to extricate my gargantuan buttocks from the little desk, I got stuck. The desk was pasted to my ass like a bug on a windshield.

I HATE IT WHEN THIS HAPPENS!!!

I just find these amusing, I am not trying to make fun of anyone with gastoentestinal probs (I do have my own) these were publicly shared on craigslist, to share there embarrassment, and what not. so PLEASE, so be offended.

*I can please only one person per day, today is just not your day.

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