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I am asking the question of Am I worthy of trying to have/do this blog? cause damn, I’ve been wanting to write, but every-time I do the words and thoughts I want to be write get me all jumbled up, and nothing get said right. ain’t that terrible? this is something I created myself, and yet I am sitting here asking if I am worthy of it? I wonder that about my son sometimes too. although I carried him for 41weeks 6 days, I wonder if I am worthy of being his mother
I am trying to help myself, get through this life, without ASKING for help. I know I very well can ask for help( I had an excellent therapist I saw for years). I know I can go back ,but I the thing is I DON’T WANT TO. Its just comes to being one more thing that I will have to ask for help for and find a babysitter for.
just like a god damn domestic abuse relationship, it ends for a little bit, just long enough for me to forget, and then the cycle starts all over again. I need a damn cigarette.
My damn thoughts stress me out. I will have a decent thought of how I can get something done, and then the NEGATIVE part of my brain or sub-conscious fucking has to chime in and is all ” well you can’t/shouldn’t do that, because” and the fucking excuse seems to always make some sort of fucking sense. so I always am sub-cumming to my negative thoughts. why the hell is that? why do I not have enough fucking confidence in myself to just get shit done. ?
So, the reason I am asking myself and the blog world ” am I worthy” is because..my Negative sub-conscious told me to. but in my heart, I allready know the answer. I just gotta choose to believe in myself to believe it.
I found this clip of a movie that was big when I was growing up.
Yes, I am an 80s’ child.and also very proud of it.
this little video clip brings back memories, ah, memories in the corner of my mind.
So me and son had our first true little fight today. It went something like this.
Son(going into frfidge and pointing, and saying,melk)
Me. I just gave you some milk like 2 minutes ago, you have milk.
Son. Melk, Melk.
Me. No, I just gave you Milk (Closes fridge) and shows son his cup with milk.
Son. No, Melk!
Me.No, you have new milk.
Son.(proceeds to crying)
Me. calm down, son, it’s not a big deal, mommy all-ready gave you milk. it’s time for a nap.
Son. goes into the living room and lays on the couch.
Me.sits down at the kitchen table, “why does he want new milk, when I JUST gave him some?”
about 5 mins later..
I go to him laying on the couch, and say “honey, are you mad at me?” Son, replies”YESH” so I sit there and try to explain to him again, Honey, I wasn’t gonna give you mo..(Son Interrupts, What?)
Me. goes to the fridge and pours him a new cup of milk.
Everyone has learnied that Heath Ledger suddenly passed yesterday.
The Media was very upsetting to me, all they could possibly write when 1st found out, PILLS, PILLS, PILLS!!
The Celebrity Media has lost all sense of R.E.S.P.E.C.T. for the people they do “NEWS” on, these ACTORS/ACTRESSES, SINGERS, and so forth, are still people and they still deserve, RESPECT, SYMPATHY, EMPATHY, they too still have feelings, but the papparazzi, and celebrity news channels have seemed to have forgotten that. (okay, except for crazy ass TOM CRUISE, but I really don’t wanna go there)
In the end it comes down to a very, very, sad loss for a little girl who lost her loving father, at a very young age. This thought brings tears to my eyes, in the fact that, I too lost my father when I was 7 years old and he was 28, to Colon Cancer. How do you explain to such a young child that she will never see her father again? she will never be able to feel his hugs?, or hear him laugh? and by the time she is 10 years old she will probably not even remember what he looked like? except what she sees on film, and truthfully, I don’t think that will bring her closure, or make it much easier for her memories, those were just characters, he was playing, that was not the true character of her father.
I’m very sorry for the loss of your Dear Father, Matilda Rose Ledger. I know your mother must have loved him deeply in her heart.
Bullshit..is what I keep stepping in.
to many thoughts right now to clarify.
so I’ll try to write about it later..
Okay, so yesterday morning was wicked unbalanced, but the afternoon/evening after wasn’t to bad. thank god.
Wanna know how I got woken up this morning?
I got bashed in the head with a wire basket from son! almost right in the temple!
I’m really sore, and bruises still seem to be popping up from yesterday, (like under my armpit, and my thigh).
Man, mornings are getting dangerous for me.
Wonder if I’ll somehow end up in the E.R. today, or sometime soon.
I received a call last nite from sons aunt, who is the sis in law to sons dad, and daughter in law to sons’ grandma.
The call I received last nite I went to grab and then thought no, she probably misdialed, {I don’t wanna get into anything with her} because who knows, what the hell sons grandma has been saying , if anything, about me to everyone.
I was in bed again this morning trying to sleep off the BANGINGmorning I had. So, when the phone rang again this morning, and the answering machine announced ” call from” and I heard the name, and it was sons’ aunt again. I figured, shit, I better answer i,t incase something happened that I should know of.
Shakily,I said hello,? and this little voice answers on the other end HI, I was so surprised. it was sons cousin, who he is 1mo, and 1/2 apart in age with. he was just talking away. I was just happy to hear his voice, well then I hear Okay, bye. (his mom in the background, no, don’t hang up I wanna talk) I got this kinda like, Oh shit feeling, but she was all Hi, and its just smooth talking (I’m waiting for her to say something about sons dad and grandma) but she doesn’t. THANK GOD.
truth is, I was grateful she called I should’ve known she would be on my side( well I THINK she is anyway) Im still gonna be keeping my guard up, because she lives and is close to grandma, so I don’t know what she would be telling her, if anything.
So here’s to you AUNTIE R, for calling. It made me feel good to know that I don’t have to completely turn my back on everyone down there. (but still keeping up the guard)
Last night I set my alarm on my cell phone, to 6am, and I set it across the room, so I would have to get up and go to turn it off. It went off. so I got up to turn it off, and as I got outta bed, and went to start walking to turn it off and boom, I fell, I fell into my trash can by the bed I hit the trashcan with my ribs hitting it. I fell kinda to the side, and I was like what the hell? So, I went to get up and try and turn it off again, I fell again! this time I came down right on my knee, I tried again, fell again.
The Whole left leg was completely asleep, but I didn’t know this, when I got up to go turn off of the alarm. I didn’t have that tingly needles, sensation, I just didn’t have any feeling in that leg at all.
so, I just kept falling. and falling, falling.
My leg still don’t feel normal.
and I am bruised, my fat by my rib is all bruised, and My poor knee is all skunn up!
wonder, how the rest of the day will go.
Okay so as I wrote before my BF for 17 years asked me to be her Maid of Honor at her wedding, and of course since I thought I would just be another bridesmaid, and not the maid of Honor, I was very honored and said yes.
Now, my Maid of Honor title is not so Honorable, as her sister is now also Maid of Honor.She asked me if not having her sister as maid of honor was wrong, and I was like” look you can have as many “MAID OF HONORS” as you like, nothing about wedding is traditional anymore(that’s the right thing to say, right?) .Well little be known-st to me, in fact, that her sister is now a maid of honor too.
I didn’t think I would feel this way, but now to me,I guess Im just a bridesmaid now. Everyone in the wedding is gonna believe that she made ME maid of honor just because, and that her sister was the original. when I was the original, and her sister was added, I am pissed, but there is nothing I can say to her, so I am writing about it here.
I guess, she hasn’t asked me to help with anything, and this wedding is happening in Sept. and now the more and more I think of it, the more and more I am getting pissed. I guess, I am just suppose to spend my money on the dress she wants, and blah, blah, blah, and throw her the bachelorette party/Bridal shower..my part is all about money, I guess.
The true reason I am feeling this way is because, she has got the Invitations, The dress, the site, and the reception hall all done, she even has a wedding site up! who helped her to do all this? NOT Me,, her sister, so far I haven’t helped her do anything. what was suppose to be my part(original MAID OF HONOR) is really being stepped on and turned into nothing,its not so HONORABLE anymore.
I guess, I just have to sit and wait for her to see what she wants me to do!
I know a part of me is being selfish, but the other part of me, just wants to walk the fuck away. this hurts, and she don’t even know. I’m not gonna tell her, because what can I say? you can’t have your sister as maid of honor? that would be Way, fucked up, and I ain’t doing that. I wanted to take her to a Bridal show we were having here soon, and she’s like Ill have to check my schedule. We have no closeness, I truly have no Idea why I am even part of this wedding. I kinda just wanna walk away. I so sick of being hurt, by people who claim to care about me, but their actions show they truly don’t. I AM SICK OF IT!
Hey people, so have you heard? Nicole & Christina each had their babies!! woo-hoo- congrats to the new mamas’and papas’. Christina and Husband Jordan, welcomed their son.
The bouncin new baby boy and girl who were born within a day of each-other, will be bringing big guesses about the future of Hollywood. The one I have right now, is will they be future husband and wife? I guess we’ll see in about 25 years from now.
